Restraining Deranged Astronauts
Currently our “satellite campuses” are all land based, but someday we may have churches in space. That means we need to consider updates to our security policy manuals. Below are tips for the Orbit Community Church. Considering the slow police response times, even to the lower orbits, much of the emergency will need to be handled by your volunteers so advanced planning is essential. Fortunately, The Associated Press has released NASA documents detailing how such situations should be handled.
Items to have on hand:
- duct tape
- bungee cords
- tranquilizers
- anti-psychotic drugs
You are much better off handling the issues preemptively. Be watchful for clues that will allow you and your volunteers to properly assess the situation.
Warning signs:
- They regularly stand near the hatch asking general questions like “How long do you think you could hold your breath?”
- They are constantly humming “Daisy Bell” (For the geeks in the audience: listen via VintageComputerMusic.com)
- They laugh at all the wrong times while watching “Apollo 13″
- They have been hoarding the diapers and making comments about “driving to Orlando.”
while writing this I did consider that because a church is simply a regular gathering of Christians coming together for worship and edification then there have most likely been several “churches” in orbit. However, attendance has historically been low.
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